Photo courtesy Dr. Patty Khuly Let’s say you are a single veterinarian looking for love … or a serially monogamous one who cannot seem to work with the ones you have fallen in love with thus far. You are in good company if you are in either of these camps. Most veterinarians do not find it easy to couple up. And why not? Too often, it is veterinary medicine itself that gets in the way. Veterinarians have unique sensibilities and lifestyles. Our careers and vet-adjacent struggles are not easily explained and too often misunderstood, even when we take great pains to convey our profession’s strains and eccentricities to our beloved outsiders. Most will never get it. They will forever wonder how we are capable of coming home so stressed, unhappy, lonely, or scared if the job is truly as irresistible as we otherwise claim it is. In all the right places? It is not easy to find your match in someone who has not lived our peculiar brand of truth, which is why so many of us have found comfort in the arms of our colleagues. Honestly, it is probably the easiest path. This way, you have a built-in support system, someone who gets where you are coming from when you have been blamed by bereaved clients, lost a patient on the table, got dissed by your coworkers for fumbling a case, missed an obvious diagnosis, miscalculated meds on a crazy day, or just plain live in fear of disappointing yourself and others (as so many of us seem to do). There is something singular about veterinarians that makes us strangely susceptible to certain on-the-job stresses and has a way of driving us into one another’s company. The trouble, however, is there are too few of us. Our tiny veterinary pond does not offer the human variety needed to meet each of our requirements for a long-term romantic partnership. The probability of forging a pleasantly comfortable mismatch is altogether too high. While some of us will doubtlessly be fortunate enough to find lasting love within the profession, it is important to recognize coupling with colleagues can mean we are also at risk of settling for someone who understands our everyday stresses but is not otherwise capable of meeting our more complex range of needs. Quotidian compatibility is an excellent basis for an enduring friendship, but a long-term romantic partnership typically requires much more than that, does it not? How to do it right Maybe you are one of the few who is either lucked out or otherwise managed to cultivate the ideal Goldilocks relationship, one where your partner seems to intuitively understand how veterinary medicine can be both a burden and a boon from minute to minute on any given day. You are that person, the kind we should all look to for inspiration and recommendations. I am decidedly not that person. I do not claim to know how any of this is best done. Like you, I am only human, which means I have managed to make a mess of my relationships often. I have, however, been more successful in recent years. After decades of dating veterinarians and non-veterinarians (some more successfully than others), I tied the knot in a private courthouse ceremony on Halloween. So, does that mean you can count on me for advice and inspiration? That is ultimately up to you, but after living in sin for a dozen years with the same partner, I believe I have made some impressive headway in the long-term romance department. Now, perhaps my recent success is largely attributable to being close enough to eternal rest to claim, “’til death do us part” and actually mean it. Still, I believe it also has to do with having struggled through plenty of less-than-ideal relationships. That alone—not to mention my five and a half decades on this planet—should qualify me as a source for at least a little veterinary wisdom on the subject. To wit, here are some tips—romantic and otherwise—I hope you will find helpful: 1) Regarding non-veterinarians Just because they are not veterinarians does not necessarily mean they are any less understanding, caring, or qualified. They simply lack the experience to immediately relate. As long as they possess emotional sensitivity and a willingness to empathize, and as long as you are able to communicate your experiences and feelings appropriately (they are not mind readers!), a veterinary degree is definitely not required. Indeed, most non-veterinarian partners will deserve honorary credentials after successfully surviving a decade in our company. 2) Career-mindedness I have seen the career issue get in the way of veterinarians’ romantic partnerships. Non-veterinarians, in particular, will not necessarily understand how central our careers can be to our lives and lifestyles. I have seen relationships tank over mismatched expectations related to career dedication, demanding their veterinary spouses conform to traditional norms (with respect to child-rearing, in particular) when doing so would clearly preclude a career in vet med. 3) The animal thing Any prospective partner who does not understand or agree with your animal-related needs should be disqualified—immediately. It should be a big red flag if they are not all-in on the animal thing from the start. (I can promise you it is never going to get any better with time.) By the way, you should never assume a romantic partner who is also a veterinarian will green flag all of your animal-related ventures or aversions. 4) Consider counseling If you have been together with your person for five years or more and can honestly say a relationship counselor would not have been helpful at some point in your years together, consider yourself an outlier. Most relationships need outside assistance from time to time. If you agree with me on this, raising the issue early on in a relationship is always a good idea. (If one partner mentions counseling and the other claims an aversion, this might be a red flag, too.) 5) Get a prenup I know a young veterinarian who bought a practice after six months of marriage. Although none of his wife’s income or savings ever went into the practice, she was nevertheless able to take half of it after acrimoniously divorcing him less than two years later. What’s worse, she refused to sell her share! I know this is not a very romantic tip, but please get a prenup and, while you are at it, do some basic estate planning before getting hitched. 6) As to finding Mr./Ms./Dr. Right… Keep an open mind. Do not let your expectations or those of your friends and family get in the way of how, why, where, when, or how you find that person. You do it in the way it works best for you, but be aware that long-term love always comes down to a couple of crucial items: shared values and shared interests. So, if animals are not at the top of the list of something you have in common, you should probably look elsewhere. Patty Khuly, VMD, MBA, owns a small animal practice in Miami, Fla. and is available at drpattykhuly.com. Columnists’ opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Veterinary Practice News.
