A question doesn't mean you're being questioned

Whether it's coming from a client or a coworker, a question isn't automatically an accusation. Photo Gettyimages/JackF

Not every question, is an accusation, not every statement, is a criticism" says Phil Seibert Jr., CVT, of Calhoun, Tenn., and the owner of The Safety Vet. Seibert, who is known as the veterinary "OSHA Guru," has been in the veterinary field for a long time and has some insight into our profession. He posted this message on Facebook last year, and it got me thinking about how much different our lives would be if we did not jump to conclusions and get defensive so easily.

I started wondering how many times in my own life have I responded to a question like I was being attacked? When I started thinking about it, I realized a lot of the time I respond like I am being criticized, even though I am not. So, my question is why?

Why do we feel that when someone asks us, "Did you fed the cat in ISO?" is an accusation and we respond, "No, I have been doing all of the treatments on the other patients, so I haven't had time!" Instead of just answering, "No," or "Not yet." Why do we think someone is accusing us of not doing our job because they ask us, "Did you walk this dog yet?" Why can't we take it as a simple question and not an accusation of something bad?

Trait #1: The problem with perfection

I have spoken with other people who have this same response to being "questioned" so I started thinking, why? What are the common traits that we as veterinary professionals have? One trait that stood out to me was perfectionism.

I have been in this field for more than 20 years, and I have interviewed thousands of veterinary professionals from kennel assistants to veterinarians. Over half of them have told me they are a "perfectionist." I used to think that was a good thing. I wanted someone who would work hard, pay close attention to detail, and make sure the job is done correctly to be on my team.

However, after I started learning more about personalities, I learned perfectionists have a really hard time with failure. As a result, they do not like their work being questioned or critiqued. This makes it very difficult to provide feedback or coach them when they are not "perfect." They are also very hard on themselves when they make a mistake or even if someone perceives that they did. They might even begin to have feelings of inadequacy and even shame. They may even struggle with burnout and other mental health issues.

In her article "7 Characteristics of Perfectionism,"¹ Paula Davis writes about how perfectionists take "fear of failure to a different level."  It is this fear that causes them to become defensive. They feel "criticism as a statement of their worth," indicates they are doing a poor job.

Perfectionists also find faults with themselves or others and tend to be overly critical.¹ I know I have struggled with this. I tend to beat myself up over small mistakes and tell others about the mistakes they made too. I will replay a situation in my head over and over again causing myself unnecessary grief about something that happened in the past. Then if someone asks me a question, my responses to being questioned are usually poor.

Does being a perfectionist affect us mentally and physically? Yes, there is a connection between perfectionism and burnout,¹ and we all know that burnout is very common in our field. What if some of this burnout is self-created? What if we constantly are on edge making sure that we do not make a mistake, that we do everything ourselves and are consistently afraid of getting "caught" not being perfect? It is mentally and physically draining when we act like martyrs doing everything without asking for help. Many people also suffer from depression as a result of feeling the internal pressure of being "perfect."

It is definitely not easy to fix this, as Davis says "I am a recovering perfectionist" ¹ meaning this is not something that is easily resolved and takes constant effort. However, the following steps can help.

1. The first step is acknowledging if you are a perfectionist and recognizing if you feel criticism is an attack on your self-worth. This is not always easy to do, as acknowledging your feelings could make you feel that you are not "perfect" and are therefore fallible. However, without this acceptance you would not be able to make the necessary improvements to your mental health and communication with others.
2. Once you can acknowledge you are a perfectionist, you need to teach yourself how to be okay with making a mistake. According to Psychology Today, "You can do this by practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment, using compassionate self-talk and challenging negative self-judgments."² It does not make a person a "failure" because they made an error. Also, it is important to allow yourself to feel vulnerable. Brené Brown says, "Vulnerability is not about winning, and it's not about losing. It's about having the courage to show up and be seen." ³
3. You need to teach yourself to stop reacting to questions as criticisms and treat them as what they are just "questions." You can do this by learning how to pause before responding. Take 1-3 seconds before responding to a question to give time to process what is being asked to make sure the response is not defensive. Creating time stalling phrases like "hang on a second," allows time to process the question so an appropriate response can be given. Also, continually practicing positive self-talk can help us see those questions are just that, questions.
4. Practice, practice, practice. Allow yourself to feel vulnerable with others, stop reacting to questions as accusations, and learn how to feel okay with making a mistake.

Trait #2: The connection to self-esteem

Another trait I see commonly in our field is low self-esteem. Many people do not realize or admit they have low self-esteem, but below are some common signs according to WebMd^4.

• Sensitivity to criticism
• Social withdrawal
• Hostility
• Excessive preoccupation to personal problems
• Physical symptoms, such as depression, anxiety, weight loss or weight gain

Many of the people I have worked with in the veterinary field struggle with these symptoms and do not realize these feelings have a such negative effect on their lives. They might be so used to feeling this way they do not know how to make changes to their mental state. They may struggle with constantly worrying they are going to let someone down or being afraid of making an error. There are a lot of different reasons that people can struggle with low self-esteem from their genes, the environment they grew up in, their current environment, and many times their own "inner voice."

Many people live in a constant state of negative self-talk. Meaning they are continually listening to their thoughts in their head, which "can be constantly telling them that they are not good enough or worth anything, even if there is evidence to the contrary. Negative thinking in general is linked to low self-worth and low self-esteem."⁴ This negative self-talk makes it hard for them to believe in themselves in general. So, when someone asks them a question, they are not able to assume the question comes with good intentions since they already believe they are not good enough.

What can we do about it?

1. Recognize what are the triggers for these feelings. What causes you to feel down or isolated? When it revolves around work, is it a specific person or situation that triggers these feelings? Learning what the triggers are makes it easier to manage your response.
2. Pay close attention to how you interpret each situation. Are the interpretations negative, positive, or neutral? It is important to identify if you have negative feelings about each situation to know whether or not those feelings are legitimate. Many times, you might make assumptions about why or what someone does without knowing if it is true or not. This means you are living in a constant state of negative thought which makes it hard to have positive beliefs.
3. Start adjusting our mindset. It is important we challenge negative thoughts. If we start telling ourselves we are not good at our job, we need to ask ourselves, is this a true statement? Do I have proof I am not good at what I do? If someone gives me a compliment, do I say thank you or do I brush it off because I do not think I deserve it? Practice daily saying positive things to yourself until you can honestly believe it.
4. When you really feel you are in a negative or toxic atmosphere and you are not able to change it, consider finding a new place to work.

Trait #3: Letting guilt consume us

A third trait I have observed in veterinary professionals is the "guilt feeling." Many of us feel guilty when we have not finished our work (even when we are still working on it), when we are not able to help others if they need it, and if we are not living up to our own standards. This can cause us to react negatively to others when they speak to us. It is sometimes hard to control our emotions when we feel guilty about a situation. If someone can learn to recognize this feeling as our own defense mechanism we can learn to stop "lashing out" at others. This is learning how to be "self-aware."

Self-awareness is one of the key traits in emotional intelligence, and it is one of the hardest things for people to learn. "Self-awareness is your ability to accurately perceive your own emotions in the moment and understand your tendencies across situations." ⁵

It requires analyzing one's responses to different situations, good or bad. When you can learn how you are going to react emotionally to a situation you can control that response. Reading Emotional Intelligence 2.0 was very helpful to me.

Understanding "Not every question, is an accusation, not every statement, is a criticism" requires a lot of practice and it is not easy. The first step is truly making the effort to change your responses and helping others around you do the same.

Being a veterinary professional can be a rewarding and fulfilling career. We get to save animals, connect with our clients, and create lasting relationships.

Melissa Tompkins-Lewis, BS, CVPM, PHRca, CCFP has worked in the veterinary field for over 21 years. She earned her BS in Animal Science from Cal Poly Pomona. She managed multiple hospitals, including general practice, specialty, and emergency before opening her own veterinary management consulting business in 2018. She is a certified veterinary practice manager, a professional in human resources for the State of California, as well as a certified compassion fatigue professional. She was the 2018 SCVMA's Paraprofessional of the Year. She is also an active speaker and published author.

References

1.  7 Characteristics Of Perfectionism (forbes.com)
2.  Perfectionism | Psychology Today
3. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bren%C3%A9_Brown
4.  Low Self-Esteem: What Are the Signs to Look For and How to Deal with It (webmd.com) 
5. Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves. Emotional Intelligence 2.0. Talent Smart, 2009.